DA II Review Part II

Alright you guys,
So when we left off
Big Bro Carver got himself squished
And Warrior Chick was forced to kill her hubby
Because he took a chug of some darkspawn blood.
And then we rode away on Dragon Flemeth

Pretty much.. Awesomeville.


So then
Blinged out Dwarf Man
Gives this voice over to some creepy cutscene
Like, I mean I felt like I was watching
Some bad version of a po-mo horror movie
With a lot of red and black

Owen calls it Art Deco
I call it a bunch of guys who want to hear this story as much as I do.

So anyways,

Then we see me and my fam-jam

+ or - 1

Floating on this piddly dingy of a boat

I mean how did they sail across the sea/ocean

In that dinky little thing

It's like a bad rip off of a Viking Warrior ship

But whatever

So you sail on up to this lovely sight

I feel like maybe this isn't the most...
hospitable place

At this point,

I personally

Would be going

TURN THIS MOFO AROUND!

DOUBLE TIME!

But no, you sail on into Gloomsville

Popultaion: A lot of douchebages

Because as soon as you land

You notice, like, every other person from Fereldan

Has decided to come to Kirkwall, 

apparently it's the hip place to be.

But they're all just standing around like sheep

Bleating to get in

And of course the guards are like

WTF?! WHERE DID YOU ALL COME FROM!

And all the Fereldans are like

Weellll the Darkspawn are kinda invading our lands

or something

they killed our king

and there's like, only one dude trying to save us

seems like a gong show

it's kinda a downer 

what with our houses being burnt to the ground 

Sooo.. Can we come bunk with you guys?

And of course the Kirkwalliens are like
EFF NO!

Does this look like a Bed & Breakfast?

Because like I said
This is Gloomville
With a major economy in Douchbaggery
Just you wait and see

So the fam-jam is like
Ahhhh craaaaap
Looks like we're screwed
Like everyone else

But oh wait,
Mom is like
HEY! I'm going to come out of my sobbing
For like the only 2 seconds in the game
And talk about something other than Dead Son Carver
Don't you guys remember why we came here?
I've got McRich Moneybags brother here

Mom seriously, the whining,
 and that outfit,
 starting to get ooolllddd

So you're like 

WELP guess we should obscurely run around

Until we find a guard dude

But what is this? 

No fighting for more than 3 minutes?

NOT SO RANDOM ENCOUNTER
With a bunch of needless IDIOTS

Bioware can't let that happen! 

Unless your freaking running

From one end of the map to the other

But even then thats sketchy

So then you're like 

HEY GUARD

I know you already 

Probably have the worst migraine 

From so many people bugging you all day

But we got a rich uncle, 

So be a dear and fetch him will you?

And the guards like

I dunno who you talkin' 'bout

I only know some scumbag with that name

That should be your hint 

That all is SCREWED

Or about to get interesting

I dunno

So anyways, 

lets me lovely Uncle Gamlen

Shall we?

All he needs is a pedo mustache
And he creeper ensemble is set!

His poor taste in clothing

Should have been the first tip

That all was *~not well~*

So he's like

Oh.. hey..Awkward...

And scanty mom is like

Gamlen! So good to see you!

You can get us in right?

Back to the big cushy house

I left all those years ago?

For an apostate mage

(Just a random aside there)

And he kinda shuffles his feet

And reeks of booze

And you're like...

Great.. 

WTF?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE'S NO MONEY!?

So then he's like

Welp, I can get you in

But you have to commit 

To a life of crime

For like...*cough* 

A year

So then mom spazes

And my character is like

Whatevs, it's just a year

She's so *~chill~*

So you get to pick, 

Wanna be a smuggler?

Or a mercenary?

Ahoy hoy mateys,

Pass the eye patch

We being smugglers ^_^

So this brings us

To Problems With This Game #3:

So I pick smugglers

Do one quest for them

To "prove my worth"

I'm willing to do wench quests
You got the job

So then I'm like

Okay.. so we'll play through a little

Might skip around a bit to pass a year

But what happens?

 *~VOICEOVER~*

I'm just a windmill, doin' what windmills do
*random insert*

BIOWARE SKIPS IT ALL!!

WHAT?!

Nothing

Just Pimp Dwarf

TELLING YOU what you did

And even then it's like

Welp, 

you hung out with the smugglers

doin' what smugglers do

And then it's a year later

Yup

Btw, you live in Kirkwall now

With your creeper Uncle

Micheal Scott is unimpressed with your shenanigans 

So we skipped that whole year

I did, like one quest

And it's like

CONGRATS!

You get an Achievement! 

For just picking on of these! 

So what you mean to say is

Bioware, 

You did not feel like writing

Extra plot

So you slapped this in

To give us..

What appeasement?

It's like

Yup, you did that

NEXT!

It feels very disjointed,

And assembly line like

Also,

I feel robbed...

So now we've skipped to a year later.
Oh yays.
But I will save that for a later day
For now,
I'm going to eat a cupcake
Because I'm feeling like an Ogre over this...

xoxo

p.s. Please enjoy this gif, which made me LOL and feel better.

Barrack Obama. Opening a can of whoop @$$

DA II Review Part I

What is this? 

I promised to review Dragon Age 2?

Well.. I guess I should probably live up to that. 

So buckle up and put on your anti-window licking helmets kiddies.

It's time to you to endure me playing through

Bioware's latest money maker. 

(And since my webcam sucks for making movies
We're doing this screenshot style)
Deal with it.

No one cares about you EA, get out of my credits >.>

OMG *grips controller*

By the way, 

There's totally epic music in the background right now.

Okay so, I'm dying during the credits

Because I'm a helpless fan girl

Who got hyped up a stupid amount for this game.

Possibly too much?

You're about to find out....

So we start off our game with a...

Movie-esque opening scene?

Random dwarf man is being dragged in by random men for random reasons....

Classic, ominously poor lighting scene with ominous dude.

Or chick with a super short man-hair-cut, who likes stabbing books...?

Uhm.. okay?

Sure..

So we get this big whole ordeal

With Short-Haired Seeker Chick

And Pimp Dressed Dwarf Man

Seeker chick is all: OMG TELL ME WHERE THE CHAMPION IS! BEFORE I STAB MORE BOOKS!

Dwarf Dude is like.. I need an ale STAT to deal with crazy pants over here

Seeker chick is still freaking out of the "Champion" because 

OMG THEY DID SOMETHING TOTALLY NOT COOL

AND WE MUST FIND THEM

LIKE.... TEN MINUTES AGO

AND YOU KNOW WHERE THEY ARE

Suspiciously Pimp Dressed Dwarf Man. 

Other wise I wouldn't have had you dragged in here

All obvious like.

So pimp dwarf is like

A'ight, you wanna hear the story?

It's pretty awesome,

obviously because I am telling it.

So let me regale you with the epic story

Of THE CHAMPION

Gee... I wonder who my character is...

>.>      <.<

So then I get to pick out my character

AWESOME

They make RPGs this way for people like me

I totally wear dresses in Oblivion because they're *~pretty~*

And take 2 hours making my character

But they have preset characters, so like.. an hour this time.

Anyways, I go with the red head

Because duh thats just awesome. 

And it was the only one that didn't make go

wtf?

So then we get this:

Strike a pose biotches

And I'm going...

WHAAAAAT?!

That is not the character I picked!

What the heck Bioware?!

So I'm having a little hurrumphing flip out while playing through this battle

With a ton of these guys:

Wow you fuglier than the last game...
Nice pale touch though
Oh you like it? Latest make-up fad

That's right, kneel before my awesome trash kicking skills.

So in mine, since I went Rogue (heh) I get to duke it out with Sis Bethany

So there we are, partying it up with the Darkspawns

When who crashes the party?

O HAI YOU GUYS! Am I late for cupcakes?

Why you always gotta be comin in uninvited Ogre?

Seriously, you think you would have learned after DA:O

But apparently not..

No party crashers allowed under threat of LOTS OF GORE!

So you kill Mr. Party Crasher

When MOAR DARKSPAWN show up

And you like OH MAN

Do not have enough cupcakes for everyone

And it's looking like a super bad situation 

And then all of the sudden:

BAM! Wassup MOFO's

There's a Dragon.

Good thing we're getting the Dragon in Dragon Age upfront at the beginning this time...

So anyways, this Dragon is like

Save you all from your lack of party prep!

And then you hear a record screeching stop in the background...

LIAAAR!

And we're back to Crazy Pants and Pimp Dwarf

And Crazy Pants is all:

Nuh uh! That is so not how it happened!

And Pimp Dwarf is like:

Is too!

And then Crazy Pants calls him out:

Bethany's boobs were not that big!

Busted Buster

Okay.. Maybe I made it up a little...

So then we cut, once again to darkspawn running around after you..

This time with my character

Does this armor make me look faaaaat?

Isn't she awesome. 

*cough*

But wait..

Bioware, does this mean you made me run around

Fight darkspawn

And an Ogre

FOR NO REASON?

And I have to do it ALL OVER AGAIN?!

>.>

Haaate.

So your fleeing Lothering (O HAI!) with your fam-jam.

When you totally bump into this role-exchanged couple

I wear the pants in this relationship
I know

So it's you, your fam, and this weird templar couple

Trying to peace out of Lothering

With totes all due haste

Hacking and slashing your way through

Which brings me to Problem With This Game #1:

Isometric Viewing

Why did you do this Bioware?

Are you trying to make me nauseous

I can either view top down like this:

Killing Darkspawn in a single bound

Which changes like a Moody Canadian April,

Every time it comes into contact with something

That could reposition it

Like a mountain, or air...

So I'm stuck with this view

And it's kinda limiting/nauseating

Or I zoom in and get this:

Striking a pose again?

I might as well be wearing horse blinders...

Seriously, cannot see anything.

But don't worry, at the beginning of the game it was really the best

Halfway through you can never see the horizon line

Just the first 5 steps in front of you

I had to take Advil just to not get a headache from playing.

Ugh...

SO ANYWAYS

You're tromping up to your knees in Darkspawn sludge

With your mom whining every five seconds about OMG

DARKSPAWN

We know mom...

What are you wearing??

In Bioware land, even old ladies have giant, supple... shoulders.

So then you run onto this *~eerily~* deja vu-like plateau

CUPCAAAAAKES!

I knew we forgot something!!

And the Darkspawn are like

HAI! Miss us? 

And you're like.. gettin' old guys...

And of course your brothers is like

MUST PROTECT THE WUMINS!

So he charges in head first

Carver.. I sense this is a bad life decision..

And gets a head full of this:

Puny human have Cupcakes?

Which results shortly in this:

Where is this blood even coming from?!

Which brings me to Problems With This Game #2:

NPC AI

As I was playing this game, finacee was watching. 

When Big Bro Carver goes running out into the battle field

He promptly exclaims WHYYY?

That's a good question,

Besides the rail roading

Why does Carver run out nilly whilly to get his butt kicked? 

Probably the same reason why I had to redo all of my NPCs tactics 

Just so they would drink a freaking health potion and take care of themselves

Or why your Mom weeps over her sons body

And does nothing more than that for the rest of the game!

Or why hubby to epic warrior woman wimps out and dies

Because he tried to fight while already injured and swallowed Darkspawn blood

Or why they all seem to follow me around like puppies

Until there's a wall

Then they magnetize to it and get stuck there

In short, NPC AI is permanently set to IDIOT

And it always will be

Anyways, moving right along...

So MOAR DARKSPAWN

Because there's never enough

And your mom is weeping over your brother

and hubby to epic warrior woman is laying there twitching

And you'r like DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING MYSELF

Luckily Sister and Warrior Chick are kinda awesome

Which, by the way, I liked the fact

That a bunch of girls were running the show

*~empowering~*

So then you're outnumbered

And it's like.. wait.. wait.. I've seen this before...

'Sup?

Yup, remember this.

So Dragon dude flies around and roasts some Darkspawn to well-done.

Or at least medium rare.

And then BAM! Transforms!

Ooh. Ahh. 

And I literally jumped in my chair:

I like the hair!
Oh really? You're too sweet, takes two cans of hairspray and some demon magic applique

That's a good question Dragon Lady

Who are you?

And then she's like 'Sup I'm Flemeth, no big

And I'm like OMG WTF?! so awesome...

So Flemeth (who I apparently didn't kill in the first game after all) 

is like, Yo ya'll are going the wrong way if you wanna escape.

And you're like Where the heck else are we supposed to go?

And she makes an allusion to The Warden

And I'm like *squee!*

And then she gets all philosophical

And is like: Is it fate or is it chance?

I'm going to guess probably because 

There was a heavy forecast for Darkspawn

And our butts were getting kicked.

So then she's all like:

Ya okay so I can fly ya'll outta here

If you give this pendant to some random Dalish leader

Out by Kirkwall

Where you're headed

Coinkidink?

Btw warrior chicks hubby totes has the taint

So then you kill hubby and fly off on the back of a dragon leaving your brothers dead body behind

I say the wins balanced out the losses. 

Seriously, that hair. And outfit. Reveal much Flemeth?

So I'm stopping there

Because this post is becoming obscenely long

Like, as obscene as Flemeth's outfit

Red spandex? Really Bioware?

So I'll pick it up when we land in Kirkwall

Because trust me, I am coming up on my 

BIGGEST PROBLEM WITH THIS GAME

Until next time

xoxo