Doctor Who S05e02: The Beast Below

In the Beast Below we suddenly find ourselves in the 30th century, with crying children, booth box dolls trying to kill you and Starship U.K.

Going to be honest. Not sure if I really like this episode much.
Don't get me wrong, it isn't necessarily a terrible episode. It is a good one, I watched it a second time. There was just something off I felt. Maybe the plot felt a tad rushed, or maybe it was because I'm still new to this and the Doctor seemed a bit off. I'm not sure. Needless to say we're introduced to the first episode where we get to see the Doctor and Amy off on a adventure.
But first, a very nervous little boy clutching his book bag. The children seemed to be lined up in front of their teacher getting their grade for the day? NO! NEVERMIND! CREEPY PORCELAIN DOLL FACE MAN! Carnivals are ruined for me now...

*shudder*

Timmy is apparently told he has done a bad job and that is... awful? I don't understand, does he get like detention or something? No, he apparently he has to walk to London. Erm. What? But no, he takes the elevator and the floor opens up and EATS HIM OH MY FUDGE AND CRACKERS!! 

Although no matter how the rest of the episode went, the beginning of this episode had me watching in child-like awe. The beginning with Amy was beautifully done I thought. With Amy floating in Space just, looking. Admiring everything that you may have ever dreamed to see all around you. The things you never thought you would be able to touch, the sky and stars, are around you. This scene just filled me with such admiration, and little bit of longing. I also loved how the Doctor was just hanging onto her by her ankle as she floated there.

Also, Amy asks what she is breathing and the Doctor tells her he expanded the air shield. I love random fact tidbits! 

The Doctor tells Amy that this is the Starship U.K  in the 30th century. The earth burned up from solar flares so humanity took to the skies. Oh pleasant. Oh little girl crying. 

I love how the Doctor is like: "Now Amy, we mustn't interfere. We just have to watch." Amy of course is busy agreeing with that and comparing it to animal documentaries and HURRY UP POND! The Doctor is already busy meddling. 

Heh. ♥

At this point the Doctor makes an interesting statement that Amy needs to start practicing her sense of observation to see what is wrong. Of course, I'm with Amy going: Uhm.. what? I see that the U.K. is a spaceship now and that Earth burned up. That's a problem. Other than that is just looks a tad... slummy. 

No apparently there's a 'missing fish'. Doctor, why are you putting water glasses on the floor? It goes on the table. I don't know what they do back on your planet, and seriously what is going on!

Obviously something sinister and plot related because now ominous robed figures are watching the Doctor and calling other ominous people asking water glass related questions about the Doctor while they watch him. Excellent. 

The comment the Doctor makes about children crying is rather astute as well. Saying children cry aloud to get attention because something is wrong, they're hurt. They cry to themselves when they can't stop, and everyone else is noticing. Yet no one goes near this little girl, and now I am like: What ritualistic crazy things are going on here?! Because it's totally got to be some sacrificial thing! And Anthropology go away, I'm watching tv. 

Amy: Are you a parent?

Yeah Doctor, are you?! Because that would be cool, and a little mind melting. 

Also, yeah Amy. Stay away from the booths! They are *~not nice~* Now let us split up! Because that's always an ingenious plan. Sweet mother of pearl. 

So off Amy goes to follow this poor little girl, who clearly clever and notices what's going on. Catching Amy following her. Wait, no the Doctor is just a bad pickpocket. Somehow that is really funny to me. He can do so much else, but he can't seem pick a little girls pocket properly. 

Ooo. Ominous tent. Pick the lock Amy! Pick it! Yeaaaaaaah. Amy Pond isn't afraid of ominous things. She's too fierce. 

They don't speak of Below? You mean where TIMMY GOT EATEN?! Although seriously, what is down there? Why would you be totally okay to just sent children down elevator shafts into the Below? 

Maybe they use them as fuel.

OH MY GOSH THAT IS HORRIFYING! 

As Amy crawled into the tent I was worried the ground was going to give away and she would plunge into this dreaded 'Below', but no. Instead it's just a silly, old, SHARP, POINTY, TAIL... THING... FLAILING AROUND! LIKE I AM DOING! 

What in the everliving is going on, on this ship? Seriously people! Also, the booth guy does not look happy. Neither do the dudes in hoods who have now taken Amy. Awesome. This is why you don't split up guys. 

However, I suppose if Amy were tagging along then the Doctor couldn't do his super secret stuff. Which apparently involves running around in an engine room. I know it's an engine room, because every engine room (or room within the vicinity of an engine room) has steam pouring everywhere like it's a bloody rave party. Oh look, ominous woman with a velvety red cape. Velvet is totally stylish. No. 

Wait, she knows he's the Doctor. So she knows him? Owen says the Doctor gets around though, I suppose being a time traveler you would. Look though! There are no engines! It's all fake and hollow! That's why he used the glass of water, clever Doctor! It didn't ripple from vibrations, and OH MY WORD! THEY ARE USING CHILDREN AS FUEL OF SOME SORT! what is going on

Btw, no worries. You're friends is totes safe. Here's a tracker to find her. We just looked scary and knocked her out. No worries!

Your execution could have been better. Just sayin'. 

This part of the episode really just threw me off though. It felt a little confusing. As Amy is in a voting booth (with a creepy smiley guy there! eek!) and in front of her sits three buttons. Protest, Record and Forget. A presentation starts running, and you would think in the future they would have better tv's, she is told that if even 1% of the population chooses to remember; they will all suffer the consequences. 

Uhm. What did you guys do?

The presentation runs and all I could make out was a brain and a child. Amy immediately hits the Forget button and a Recording of herself starts playing, pleading with her to get the Doctor out of there. 

Seriously. What is going on? Is it something that they might feed the Doctor too? I have no idea. Whatever it is, Amy promptly hid's it from the Doctor. Turning off the Recording as he walks in. They soon learn everyone over 16 can vote, and everyone always chooses to Forget. Why though? If it is something so awful, wouldn't someone Protest at some point? Or would it threaten their whole existence? These are the questions I had. Apparently the Doctor had them too, but the voting booth won't let him watch because he isn't human. So of course he totally hits the Protest button, and this man is sheer brilliance. Except the floor is now kind of OPENING UP TO EAT YOU! I sense that was a bad life decision! 

Which, I am promptly proven right as the Doctor and Amy are shot down a tube into a trash compactor? Or something? Oh gross. I feel bad for Amy, who is still in a nighty! All covered in nastiness. As the Doctor helps her up though and looks around, they realize that they are not in the garbage.

They're in a freaking mouth.

We appear to have been nom nom'ed

The Doctor deduces that, allow seeing the stomach would be fabulous, the only way out is to make the creature sick. Oh how...lovely. Using the Sonic Screwdriver (which apparently does anything), the creature spews them out, and I love the fact that the Doctor yells Geronimo! Hah. 

Now out of the monsters mouth, the only way out of the chamber is to 'Forget'. This is some serious business if apparently the only option you really get is to 'Forget'. I'm pretty sure 0% of the population remembers, as they probably got eaten. Lovely. Just, lovely. 

The booth guys get a whole lot creepier as the Doctor insists he will not Forget and they climb out of their booths! Don't worry though, ominous lady to the rescue! And she shoots them down like a total bamf. 

It also turns out that she is Liz X. What?! Yup, she's Liz 10 or Elizabeth the 10th. 

Owen had a problem with this part. She didn't seem to have that aire of royalty. I mean in the manner of talking really. I just thought she was some cool chick who totally kicked trash. When she was like "I'm the bloody queen mate." It was, "That's cool" and "That's odd" at the same time. It was just mannerisms. Then again it's the 30th century, I dunno. 

Also, heh the Doctor and the 'Virgin Queen'. Oh Doctor. 

As they arrive at Liz X's, with water glasses everywhere to remind her. I thought that part was actually kind of nice, she cares and actively seeks out what is wrong. When the creepy hooded guys show up though to detain all of them, and then turn out to be smilers, I was like NO THANK YOU. Do not want heads that turn 180 degrees. 

From here on out I think is when the episode became weird to me. As they are taken to the lowest level, which is the Tower of London (lol) we discover what is actually going on and what Amy chose to forget. Those tentacle things are around there too, caged in. As well as A BRAIN. That they are shooting painful amounts of energy through! What have you people done? 

We are then told that, apparently, Britain had a lapse in preparation as the sun began to flare. As everyone else took the skies, they were still there. Their sun betraying them, their children crying and then "like a miracle" a starwhale comes. The last of it's kind.

And you build a ship around it, caging it, and now shoot lasers through its brain so you can fly off. 

Wow. Just. Wow.

At this point, I was basically going: WHAT IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU?! No seriously. How could you do that? However horrified and slightly miffed I was, paled in comparisons to the Doctor as I actually see him mad for the first time. And excuse me but it is a little frightening. Liz X is also apparently 300 years old, just so you know, and every time she investigates she ends up there. Hits the Forget button and goes back in a loop. 

You also feed you people to this thing! Just.. ah.. ugh.. whyyyy

 Perhaps what threw me off about this episode was the Doctors anger. It seems like he's almost trying not to blow up in rage. Most of it though seems to get directed to Amy, as he's so furious with her that she would try to protect him from this and forget about it. He's angry she would try to make that choice for him. I get why he is so mad, the anger was just so sudden I suppose. So the Doctor is now faced with three options: release the starwhale which will kill all humans, let the starwhale continue in agony as they torture it, or basically make it a vegetable with a high blast. Allowing them to still sail, but the starwhale will be basically dead. 

Seriously depressing. 

It was also kind of ...awkward? As Amy keeps telling the Doctor she doesn't even remember hitting the Forget button. While the Doctor replies that she still did it anyway and he's taking her home, all she can reply with is that she's human and he totally ignores her. 

Thank heavens for Amy though, as she uses her observational skills to realize something. Then grabs Liz's hand and hits the Abdicated button like a total champ, releasing the starwhale. 

Oh guess what. It doesn't leave! It freaking wanted to help! 

Oh my gosh, you people are idiots for what you did. Seriously, hang heads in shame. 

With the starwhale in control, the pick up speed and yay!

Now, another thing about this episode. I get that a lot of people like this quote:

The Star Whale didn't come like a miracle all those years ago. It volunteered. You didn't have to trap it or torture it. That was all just you. It came because it couldn't stand to watch your children cry. What if you were really old and really kind and alone—your whole race dead, no future. What could you do then? If you were that old and that kind, and the very last of your kind, you couldn't just stand there and watch children cry.

Amy talking, of course, about the starwhale and the Doctor. However, just something about that quote just doesn't sit with me. I think it's the repetition. I'm fussy with things like that I suppose. Though not in my own writing evidently.
So now Starship U.K. has a better pilot at the helm, and the adventure has resolved happily. As the Doctor tells Amy she could have killed everyone on board I love how Amy just simply states, "You could have kill a starwhale." Both were just as bad, and I love that she says that. Amy Pond you are lovely.
So off they are in the TARDIS. Amy apparently contemplating her case of cold feet, as she ran off with a madman the night before her wedding. I find that humorous. The Doctor shows up at the weirdest of times. Also, phones for you it's Winston Freaking Churchill! Because, you know, he's totally drinking buddies with the Doctor. omg awesome

As Amy and the Doctor are off, the Starship U.K. keeps sailing with it's starwhale pilot.

LED SPECIAL EFFECTS

With a crack in the hull!

Ahh! What is it!

Obviously a reoccurring story arch plot point. But still!

xoxo

Oh, and also. This:  

Doctor Who S05e01: The Eleventh Hour

In the Eleventh Hour I finally actually watch an episode of Dr. Who and meet the Doctor for the first time, and so does Amelia Pond.

I would like to begin by saying: How have I not watched this show my entire life?!
I grew up watching geeky shows because I had a geeky father. I watched Star Trek and Enterprise, Stargate: SG1, Star Wars, Red Dwarf, and other such geek shows. Actually growing up my favorite show was Bill Nye, because that is just the child I was. So for me to have never seen an episode of Doctor Who, that seems a little weird. Mom and Dad how did I not watch this all the time?
So it's the beginning of Series 5, and a new Doctor, and I have a lot of things to learn apparently. All I knew about Doctor Who was that he was some time-traveler, who wore weird outfits, and flew around in a blue police box and that was about the extent of the weirdness right?
Oh how delightfully wrong I was.
We are instantly thrown into, what I am told by my husband, is the immediate events right after the end of Series 4. Doctor #10 has just kicked the bucket and regenerated.
Wait. Regenerated? What?
Quick answer from Owen tells me that the Doctor doesn't die, he regenerates into another form.
Uhm.. Okay. I can keep up with that.
So he's hurtling through the sky with a police box that's blowing up and ridiculously huge on the inside. But if there is one thing sci-fi shows ever taught me it is that nothing is ever what it seems, and nothing is ever impossible. 
Also, nearly getting nailed by Big Ben does not look like any regeneration could fix that, nice save.
So as the Doctor is flailing around in the sky over England we are then introduced to a very red headed little girl who is praying to Santa, and I love this show already. Seriously, she's ginger and has red welly's. What is there not to love?! Also, crack in the wall does not look normal! It whispers at night? How is this child not severely emotionally scared for the rest of ever? I had a hard enough time with the laundry pile becoming sinister shapes in the dark when I was a child.
Okay, that's enough. We're 5 minutes in and I'm already making no sense.
However, I knew I was going to love this show as a cautious, but curious Amelia Pond goes to see what has crashed into her front yard. Only to discover a blue police box, on it's side, has decimated her front yard practically.
Doors are thrown open, a grappling hook (??) is thrown out and Matt Smith, the 11th Doctor, clambers out of the police box a little worse for wear.
At this point Owen informed me "That's the TARDIS". I had many questions, first of which was "Why does it look like a police box?" "The perception filter malfunctioned and it's just stayed like that" Uhm. Love it.
I also love that the Doctor flails and responds with "Still cooking" when Amelia asks who he is.
At this point I had my doubts a little, I thought this would be an entirely silly show. Meaning, silly in a, "this is ridiculous and has no point." Or I thought perhaps they would go a bit over the top with sci-fi nerdism (I myself being a bit more fantasy).
But Doctor Who just patted my on the head and said "Oh silly you". As first thing Amelia and the Doctor do is try to figure out what the Doctor is craving. And the line "You're Scottish! Fry something!" may have been another point that won me over. Although the Doctor rejection bacon seemed a tad blasphemous, but nothing is perfect.

So the Doctor is sitting there eating Fish Fingers and Custard (which Owen is contemplating trying) and Amelia is eating ice cream out of the scoop (<3) when we start to lean towards the crack in her wall. The Doctor makes a good point saying that for a young girl to be unafraid of a strange man who crashed into her yard and is now eating at her table, this must be one scary crack.
Of which, YES. YES IT IS.
Also, "Two parts of space and time that should have never touched." What?
Now Doctor Who switches gears from pandering to Andi's silly and laughs side to the adventure, curiosity and What is going on?! side. Also, things become rapidly confusing. As Doctor Who picks up the pace with Prisoner Zero has escaped, and psychic paper (?), and "the corner of your eye", and GIANT EYEBALL, and...
What the bloody hell is a sonic screwdriver?
More importantly, how is Amelia Pond not scarred for life? I may be.
A flurry of things have just happened, and something is loose in Amelia's house. Now the engines are fluxing (?), and the Doctor has to jump the TARDIS (brb in 5 k?). So Amelia excitedly packs (I know I would!) and goes and waits for the Doctor to come back.
And suddenly it's morning.
Doctor, what have you done?
Omg, maybe Amelia got caught?!
Ask my husband, I started panicking at this point
What was in the house? Is Amelia okay? What if the Doctor is too late?! And see what happens when I get into a tv show? I become slightly fervent. Or maybe a lot.
At this point I'm wondering what could have happened as the Doctor races in and...wait.
Wasn't that shed destroyed?
Doctor.. how long have you been gone?
And SUDDEN CRICKET BAT TO THE FACE!
This show doesn't believe in breathers does it? I can tell that already.
Once the Doctor wakes up (handcuffed to a radiator) and starts demanding Amelia Pond, I can't say I was fooled. Because, seriously. The "cop" in front of you is a ginger! Like Amelia! Same house! Oh come on it's totally her. But no, no one tells you anything right away, and the "corner of your eye" bit comes back up. Which is an interesting concept. It seems like the corner of your eye is always the place where you think you saw something, but then quickly dismiss it. The corner of your eye seems to be where the most tricks are played, it also seems to be the scariest place as your mind can concoct the strangest things there. And THERE IS ANOTHER BEDROOM! What!?
Of course Office Amelia totally goes in, the Doctor yelling "Do I just have a face no one listens to?" Haha. Yes, yes you do.
Can I just say, creepy room? Ew slimy sonic screwdriver, that has jumped onto the table!? And I screech slightly and jump onto Owen and then laugh as poorly CGI'd bad guy....snake... underwater looking creature...thing comes down behind her.
Owen asked a relevant question at this point: Where is it hanging from? My answer, the puppet strings of Steven Moffat.
At this point, I wasn't really feeling the tension. With the whole, back up, no back up, I'm totally lying! Believe me! bit. Then the snake guy who is now a guy with a dog totally bares NOT HUMANOID TEETH and I'm like RUN! Which they read my mind and do. Except, what? No you can't run into the TARDIS? I did not understand that bit, something wasn't finished? How did you bring the wrong key? How many keys does the Doctor have? Owen says many, whatever. So of course RUN AWAY. But oh wait! The shed! Liar it hasn't been here for 6 months! More like 12 years! And Amelia yells back "You said 5 minutes". And my heart kind of breaks. You can already tell Amelia Pond is the girl who is used to people leaving her, but she really does wait. And as she runs off with the Doctor in tow, I wouldn't blame her if she smacked him upside the head.
And yes you are being staked out by an ice cream van Amy.
At this point we're suddenly hoping fences and going into someone's house, and they know Amy because it's Small Town UK. However, at this point the Doctor makes and interesting comment as he seems surprised that she's suddenly Amy and not Amelia. Amelia being the little girl with the name out of a fairy tale, and Amy replies "I grew up" and I am having instant flash backs to how I feel about that term a few days ago! But the Doctor can fix that! No worry! Can he fix mine too? Maybe?
And there's the eyeball on the tv, speaking in a whole lot of languages. Alien invasion anybody?
Also, asking why a duck pond is still a duck pond with no ducks in it really is not relevant right now! Come on Doctor! (Owen claims everything is relevant in Dr. Who.)
Amy, locking the Doctors tie in a car door with 20 minutes to incineration is also not a good idea at the moment. What are you people doing? Frustrating me, that's what. Although, the Doctor and Amy have a well needed chat and I guess that's okay because hey it's only 20 minutes.

In all honesty though, at this point I really did get why Amy was so mad. He said he would be back in 5 minutes, and like everyone else the Doctor didn't follow through. It's the point of why should she believe him and trust him when he already let her down? I was even kind of miffed at him, until he pulled out the apple she gave him and I was like. Well.. maybe it wasn't his fault. Maybe the TARDIS just malfunctioned on the jump and I am ALREADY making excuses for him! Amy decides to give him 20 minutes to prove what he says, and hurry up! Time's a wastin'! Look they put a shield up around your planet, everyone in sci fi knows that equals baaaaad.
The Doctor always being so observant notices the nurse taking pictures of a guy with a dog and it's creeper bad guy! As well, meet Rory; Amy's boyfriend, but not. I sense commitment issues. Also, coma patients at the hospital make for great disguises.
However, splitting up isn't always the best idea. Come on guys. But the Doctor has things to do; and off Amy and Rory toddle to the hospital to do.. something. First though, the Doctor needs a laptop for his excellent plan which results in a little embarrassment:

Yeah Jeff. Geez.
The Doctor has now hacked into all the big dog's chat room's because the Doctor is better than you. He also proves he's awesome by proving all your theory's wrong and proving you can travel through time with this equation and while you're at it Doctor why don't you just divide by zero. Everyone's all ears now as it's his plan and nope. Hand over to Jeff, you get to persuade them. Why? Because it's your bedroom, have fun!
Seriously? Kind of awesome.
Meanwhile back at the ranch hospital, something awful has happened because Prisoner Zero snuck through the air vents (that always happens) and someone got eaten. Oh annoying other, non time-traveling doctor who wouldn't listen to Rory. She suffered from NPC syndrome apparently, although I don't know what to call that in tv.
Heh. They use Amy's police kissogram uniform to get in.
Mother and two small children need help! Except Prisoner Zero got the mouths switched up again and bloody run!
At this point I realized, wait, what has Prisoner Zero done? Did he like kill a whole bunch of people, or is this just because he's so darn scary looking and oh why not. Is he actually going to eat you? Maybe hugs are illegal on his planet, maybe he just wants a hug!
Getting carried away. Stopping.
So Amy and Rory have successfully locked themselves into a dead end, and Prisoner Zero is getting in! We're running out of time! Where's the Doctor?!
Driving a fire truck. With the sirens on. This man is a child. Love forever.
Also, duck.
Doctor's in the house! Okay what did you do? Can you actually get the aliens here this time? You're down one sonic screwdriver because you blew up the last one, and I am starting to doubt how they are going to pull this off.
To which Doctor Who replies: Allow me to introduce you to my brilliance.
With only a few minutes left we find out that everyone, everywhere is displaying the number 0 to get the attention of the aliens, all being commanded by a rugged looking Jeff from his bedroom command center. So what is so important about displaying 0's everywhere? How do you pinpoint that? Doctor Who is this going to be cheesy I ask. No! Doctor Who replies and smacks me. As the Doctor pulls out Rory's phone and reveals that it is the source of the virus! With all the pictures of Prisoner Zero's disguises, which are quickly emailed to the aliens (okay that was kind of cheesy). But! But! The aliens figure out where they are and BAM! Prisoner Zero is so busted!

You da man!

*blank stares*
"I'm never saying that again."
Yeah. Probably shouldn't. That's like when my Dad says 'stellar'. No.
Filled with sudden elation at the Doctor's victory I find myself getting incredibly excited, though some what asking "That's all?" Oh no, Doctor Who is not done yet as Amy promptly passes out and Prisoner Zero takes the form of a young Amelia Pond and the Doctor she waited for.
Prisoner Zero, I get the feeling you probably should not taunt the Doctor. It seems like a bad life decision.
Once again, being the doubter I am, how are you going to get out of this? Oh easy, Amy can still hear me and she saw Prisoner Zero so I'll just get her to imagine what Prisoner Zero looked like which will make him turn back into his form and, oh posh, how could you not think I was going to do that!
I...I don't know. I just. Okay you do your thing.
Also: The Universe is cracked. The Pandorica will open. Silence will fall.
What?
So Prisoner Zero is captured! The aliens are leaving! Amy is okay! It's all good right?
Wrong.
I'm with Rory as the Doctor calls the aliens and tells them to come back, as Rory and I both go "What are you doing?!"
But no, the Doctor has finished yet. He isn't happy with them trying to blow up a planet. It's time to tell those aliens what's what! It's time for a show.

This is utterly relevant

First! Raid the hospital for suitable attire! Because he can't be raggedy for this.
I seriously love how the Doctor is like: Ooo! Clothes! *strips everything*. Rory turning around in disbelief as Amy keeps watching because, hey vindication. Or...something.
So to the top of the roof, as the music grows and I'm like "What's going to happen?!", and the 11th Doctor walks out to meet the eyeball Atraxi.

The ships look like snowflakes. That's all I can think. 

Prepare yourself for epicness as the Doctor basically tells the Atraxi to never, ever come back.
Basically, run. He's the Doctor.
This small, but well done speech, here is basically what made the episode for me. As Matt Smith does a fabulous job in his new bowtie and suspenders. He somehow conveys his complete nonchalant attitude towards the threat this aliens just posed; as well as his calm, but firm, threat. That's really the only word I can think to call it. He basically tells them, mess with earth and you have to deal with me. So run. At this point, I instantly loved the Doctor. His silliness, jovial manner, but caught in a snitch and he's serious business. You don't mess with this guy, he'll outwit you. I keep saying I love it, but seriously I do. As the Atraxi take off because, whoah no we are not dealing with this!

Run away!

So the Atraxi are off with just Amy, Rory and the Doctor on the roof.
And a new key! Yay!
Off the Doctor runs (brb) to see his new TARDIS as he tells Amy he'll be back soon!
Wait... we've heard this before.
Oh look it's nighttime. Really Doctor?
Nevermind! Two years! Amy is mad!
So am I. Seriously man?
Though we find ourselves back at the "I grew up" point. I feel like really Amy is saying she had to learn to become wary, and a little distant from people. She grew up with just her Aunt, and no one believing her about her raggedy Doctor. Bless the Doctor though as he simply snaps his fingers, opening the TARDIS door and replying "I'll fix that"
Thus Amy enters a new TARDIS, that's bigger on the inside! With the promise of adventure with a madman with a blue box. Truly, who could resist? I can't!
So off they go, Amy and her Doctor. To new adventures! I am so excited for where this going! I do love the Doctor with his crazy antics, he truly is a madman. As well as Amy with her "I am totally fierce".
It's completely a fairy tale that sucks you in, and I am enthralled and..
What? Wedding dress?
Amy! What is going on?!

*sigh* Up next, The Beast Below. That sounds.. pleasant.

Lastly:

Yes, yes they are. 

ETA: Owen pointed out that there is a crack on the scanner in the TARDIS. Like the one of Amy's wall. Uhm. What is going on?

DA II Review Part II

Alright you guys,
So when we left off
Big Bro Carver got himself squished
And Warrior Chick was forced to kill her hubby
Because he took a chug of some darkspawn blood.
And then we rode away on Dragon Flemeth

Pretty much.. Awesomeville.


So then
Blinged out Dwarf Man
Gives this voice over to some creepy cutscene
Like, I mean I felt like I was watching
Some bad version of a po-mo horror movie
With a lot of red and black

Owen calls it Art Deco
I call it a bunch of guys who want to hear this story as much as I do.

So anyways,

Then we see me and my fam-jam

+ or - 1

Floating on this piddly dingy of a boat

I mean how did they sail across the sea/ocean

In that dinky little thing

It's like a bad rip off of a Viking Warrior ship

But whatever

So you sail on up to this lovely sight

I feel like maybe this isn't the most...
hospitable place

At this point,

I personally

Would be going

TURN THIS MOFO AROUND!

DOUBLE TIME!

But no, you sail on into Gloomsville

Popultaion: A lot of douchebages

Because as soon as you land

You notice, like, every other person from Fereldan

Has decided to come to Kirkwall, 

apparently it's the hip place to be.

But they're all just standing around like sheep

Bleating to get in

And of course the guards are like

WTF?! WHERE DID YOU ALL COME FROM!

And all the Fereldans are like

Weellll the Darkspawn are kinda invading our lands

or something

they killed our king

and there's like, only one dude trying to save us

seems like a gong show

it's kinda a downer 

what with our houses being burnt to the ground 

Sooo.. Can we come bunk with you guys?

And of course the Kirkwalliens are like
EFF NO!

Does this look like a Bed & Breakfast?

Because like I said
This is Gloomville
With a major economy in Douchbaggery
Just you wait and see

So the fam-jam is like
Ahhhh craaaaap
Looks like we're screwed
Like everyone else

But oh wait,
Mom is like
HEY! I'm going to come out of my sobbing
For like the only 2 seconds in the game
And talk about something other than Dead Son Carver
Don't you guys remember why we came here?
I've got McRich Moneybags brother here

Mom seriously, the whining,
 and that outfit,
 starting to get ooolllddd

So you're like 

WELP guess we should obscurely run around

Until we find a guard dude

But what is this? 

No fighting for more than 3 minutes?

NOT SO RANDOM ENCOUNTER
With a bunch of needless IDIOTS

Bioware can't let that happen! 

Unless your freaking running

From one end of the map to the other

But even then thats sketchy

So then you're like 

HEY GUARD

I know you already 

Probably have the worst migraine 

From so many people bugging you all day

But we got a rich uncle, 

So be a dear and fetch him will you?

And the guards like

I dunno who you talkin' 'bout

I only know some scumbag with that name

That should be your hint 

That all is SCREWED

Or about to get interesting

I dunno

So anyways, 

lets me lovely Uncle Gamlen

Shall we?

All he needs is a pedo mustache
And he creeper ensemble is set!

His poor taste in clothing

Should have been the first tip

That all was *~not well~*

So he's like

Oh.. hey..Awkward...

And scanty mom is like

Gamlen! So good to see you!

You can get us in right?

Back to the big cushy house

I left all those years ago?

For an apostate mage

(Just a random aside there)

And he kinda shuffles his feet

And reeks of booze

And you're like...

Great.. 

WTF?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE'S NO MONEY!?

So then he's like

Welp, I can get you in

But you have to commit 

To a life of crime

For like...*cough* 

A year

So then mom spazes

And my character is like

Whatevs, it's just a year

She's so *~chill~*

So you get to pick, 

Wanna be a smuggler?

Or a mercenary?

Ahoy hoy mateys,

Pass the eye patch

We being smugglers ^_^

So this brings us

To Problems With This Game #3:

So I pick smugglers

Do one quest for them

To "prove my worth"

I'm willing to do wench quests
You got the job

So then I'm like

Okay.. so we'll play through a little

Might skip around a bit to pass a year

But what happens?

 *~VOICEOVER~*

I'm just a windmill, doin' what windmills do
*random insert*

BIOWARE SKIPS IT ALL!!

WHAT?!

Nothing

Just Pimp Dwarf

TELLING YOU what you did

And even then it's like

Welp, 

you hung out with the smugglers

doin' what smugglers do

And then it's a year later

Yup

Btw, you live in Kirkwall now

With your creeper Uncle

Micheal Scott is unimpressed with your shenanigans 

So we skipped that whole year

I did, like one quest

And it's like

CONGRATS!

You get an Achievement! 

For just picking on of these! 

So what you mean to say is

Bioware, 

You did not feel like writing

Extra plot

So you slapped this in

To give us..

What appeasement?

It's like

Yup, you did that

NEXT!

It feels very disjointed,

And assembly line like

Also,

I feel robbed...

So now we've skipped to a year later.
Oh yays.
But I will save that for a later day
For now,
I'm going to eat a cupcake
Because I'm feeling like an Ogre over this...

xoxo

p.s. Please enjoy this gif, which made me LOL and feel better.

Barrack Obama. Opening a can of whoop @$$

DA II Review Part I

What is this? 

I promised to review Dragon Age 2?

Well.. I guess I should probably live up to that. 

So buckle up and put on your anti-window licking helmets kiddies.

It's time to you to endure me playing through

Bioware's latest money maker. 

(And since my webcam sucks for making movies
We're doing this screenshot style)
Deal with it.

No one cares about you EA, get out of my credits >.>

OMG *grips controller*

By the way, 

There's totally epic music in the background right now.

Okay so, I'm dying during the credits

Because I'm a helpless fan girl

Who got hyped up a stupid amount for this game.

Possibly too much?

You're about to find out....

So we start off our game with a...

Movie-esque opening scene?

Random dwarf man is being dragged in by random men for random reasons....

Classic, ominously poor lighting scene with ominous dude.

Or chick with a super short man-hair-cut, who likes stabbing books...?

Uhm.. okay?

Sure..

So we get this big whole ordeal

With Short-Haired Seeker Chick

And Pimp Dressed Dwarf Man

Seeker chick is all: OMG TELL ME WHERE THE CHAMPION IS! BEFORE I STAB MORE BOOKS!

Dwarf Dude is like.. I need an ale STAT to deal with crazy pants over here

Seeker chick is still freaking out of the "Champion" because 

OMG THEY DID SOMETHING TOTALLY NOT COOL

AND WE MUST FIND THEM

LIKE.... TEN MINUTES AGO

AND YOU KNOW WHERE THEY ARE

Suspiciously Pimp Dressed Dwarf Man. 

Other wise I wouldn't have had you dragged in here

All obvious like.

So pimp dwarf is like

A'ight, you wanna hear the story?

It's pretty awesome,

obviously because I am telling it.

So let me regale you with the epic story

Of THE CHAMPION

Gee... I wonder who my character is...

>.>      <.<

So then I get to pick out my character

AWESOME

They make RPGs this way for people like me

I totally wear dresses in Oblivion because they're *~pretty~*

And take 2 hours making my character

But they have preset characters, so like.. an hour this time.

Anyways, I go with the red head

Because duh thats just awesome. 

And it was the only one that didn't make go

wtf?

So then we get this:

Strike a pose biotches

And I'm going...

WHAAAAAT?!

That is not the character I picked!

What the heck Bioware?!

So I'm having a little hurrumphing flip out while playing through this battle

With a ton of these guys:

Wow you fuglier than the last game...
Nice pale touch though
Oh you like it? Latest make-up fad

That's right, kneel before my awesome trash kicking skills.

So in mine, since I went Rogue (heh) I get to duke it out with Sis Bethany

So there we are, partying it up with the Darkspawns

When who crashes the party?

O HAI YOU GUYS! Am I late for cupcakes?

Why you always gotta be comin in uninvited Ogre?

Seriously, you think you would have learned after DA:O

But apparently not..

No party crashers allowed under threat of LOTS OF GORE!

So you kill Mr. Party Crasher

When MOAR DARKSPAWN show up

And you like OH MAN

Do not have enough cupcakes for everyone

And it's looking like a super bad situation 

And then all of the sudden:

BAM! Wassup MOFO's

There's a Dragon.

Good thing we're getting the Dragon in Dragon Age upfront at the beginning this time...

So anyways, this Dragon is like

Save you all from your lack of party prep!

And then you hear a record screeching stop in the background...

LIAAAR!

And we're back to Crazy Pants and Pimp Dwarf

And Crazy Pants is all:

Nuh uh! That is so not how it happened!

And Pimp Dwarf is like:

Is too!

And then Crazy Pants calls him out:

Bethany's boobs were not that big!

Busted Buster

Okay.. Maybe I made it up a little...

So then we cut, once again to darkspawn running around after you..

This time with my character

Does this armor make me look faaaaat?

Isn't she awesome. 

*cough*

But wait..

Bioware, does this mean you made me run around

Fight darkspawn

And an Ogre

FOR NO REASON?

And I have to do it ALL OVER AGAIN?!

>.>

Haaate.

So your fleeing Lothering (O HAI!) with your fam-jam.

When you totally bump into this role-exchanged couple

I wear the pants in this relationship
I know

So it's you, your fam, and this weird templar couple

Trying to peace out of Lothering

With totes all due haste

Hacking and slashing your way through

Which brings me to Problem With This Game #1:

Isometric Viewing

Why did you do this Bioware?

Are you trying to make me nauseous

I can either view top down like this:

Killing Darkspawn in a single bound

Which changes like a Moody Canadian April,

Every time it comes into contact with something

That could reposition it

Like a mountain, or air...

So I'm stuck with this view

And it's kinda limiting/nauseating

Or I zoom in and get this:

Striking a pose again?

I might as well be wearing horse blinders...

Seriously, cannot see anything.

But don't worry, at the beginning of the game it was really the best

Halfway through you can never see the horizon line

Just the first 5 steps in front of you

I had to take Advil just to not get a headache from playing.

Ugh...

SO ANYWAYS

You're tromping up to your knees in Darkspawn sludge

With your mom whining every five seconds about OMG

DARKSPAWN

We know mom...

What are you wearing??

In Bioware land, even old ladies have giant, supple... shoulders.

So then you run onto this *~eerily~* deja vu-like plateau

CUPCAAAAAKES!

I knew we forgot something!!

And the Darkspawn are like

HAI! Miss us? 

And you're like.. gettin' old guys...

And of course your brothers is like

MUST PROTECT THE WUMINS!

So he charges in head first

Carver.. I sense this is a bad life decision..

And gets a head full of this:

Puny human have Cupcakes?

Which results shortly in this:

Where is this blood even coming from?!

Which brings me to Problems With This Game #2:

NPC AI

As I was playing this game, finacee was watching. 

When Big Bro Carver goes running out into the battle field

He promptly exclaims WHYYY?

That's a good question,

Besides the rail roading

Why does Carver run out nilly whilly to get his butt kicked? 

Probably the same reason why I had to redo all of my NPCs tactics 

Just so they would drink a freaking health potion and take care of themselves

Or why your Mom weeps over her sons body

And does nothing more than that for the rest of the game!

Or why hubby to epic warrior woman wimps out and dies

Because he tried to fight while already injured and swallowed Darkspawn blood

Or why they all seem to follow me around like puppies

Until there's a wall

Then they magnetize to it and get stuck there

In short, NPC AI is permanently set to IDIOT

And it always will be

Anyways, moving right along...

So MOAR DARKSPAWN

Because there's never enough

And your mom is weeping over your brother

and hubby to epic warrior woman is laying there twitching

And you'r like DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING MYSELF

Luckily Sister and Warrior Chick are kinda awesome

Which, by the way, I liked the fact

That a bunch of girls were running the show

*~empowering~*

So then you're outnumbered

And it's like.. wait.. wait.. I've seen this before...

'Sup?

Yup, remember this.

So Dragon dude flies around and roasts some Darkspawn to well-done.

Or at least medium rare.

And then BAM! Transforms!

Ooh. Ahh. 

And I literally jumped in my chair:

I like the hair!
Oh really? You're too sweet, takes two cans of hairspray and some demon magic applique

That's a good question Dragon Lady

Who are you?

And then she's like 'Sup I'm Flemeth, no big

And I'm like OMG WTF?! so awesome...

So Flemeth (who I apparently didn't kill in the first game after all) 

is like, Yo ya'll are going the wrong way if you wanna escape.

And you're like Where the heck else are we supposed to go?

And she makes an allusion to The Warden

And I'm like *squee!*

And then she gets all philosophical

And is like: Is it fate or is it chance?

I'm going to guess probably because 

There was a heavy forecast for Darkspawn

And our butts were getting kicked.

So then she's all like:

Ya okay so I can fly ya'll outta here

If you give this pendant to some random Dalish leader

Out by Kirkwall

Where you're headed

Coinkidink?

Btw warrior chicks hubby totes has the taint

So then you kill hubby and fly off on the back of a dragon leaving your brothers dead body behind

I say the wins balanced out the losses. 

Seriously, that hair. And outfit. Reveal much Flemeth?

So I'm stopping there

Because this post is becoming obscenely long

Like, as obscene as Flemeth's outfit

Red spandex? Really Bioware?

So I'll pick it up when we land in Kirkwall

Because trust me, I am coming up on my 

BIGGEST PROBLEM WITH THIS GAME

Until next time

xoxo