DA II Review Part I

What is this? 

I promised to review Dragon Age 2?

Well.. I guess I should probably live up to that. 

So buckle up and put on your anti-window licking helmets kiddies.

It's time to you to endure me playing through

Bioware's latest money maker. 

(And since my webcam sucks for making movies
We're doing this screenshot style)
Deal with it.

No one cares about you EA, get out of my credits >.>

OMG *grips controller*

By the way, 

There's totally epic music in the background right now.

Okay so, I'm dying during the credits

Because I'm a helpless fan girl

Who got hyped up a stupid amount for this game.

Possibly too much?

You're about to find out....

So we start off our game with a...

Movie-esque opening scene?

Random dwarf man is being dragged in by random men for random reasons....

Classic, ominously poor lighting scene with ominous dude.

Or chick with a super short man-hair-cut, who likes stabbing books...?

Uhm.. okay?

Sure..

So we get this big whole ordeal

With Short-Haired Seeker Chick

And Pimp Dressed Dwarf Man

Seeker chick is all: OMG TELL ME WHERE THE CHAMPION IS! BEFORE I STAB MORE BOOKS!

Dwarf Dude is like.. I need an ale STAT to deal with crazy pants over here

Seeker chick is still freaking out of the "Champion" because 

OMG THEY DID SOMETHING TOTALLY NOT COOL

AND WE MUST FIND THEM

LIKE.... TEN MINUTES AGO

AND YOU KNOW WHERE THEY ARE

Suspiciously Pimp Dressed Dwarf Man. 

Other wise I wouldn't have had you dragged in here

All obvious like.

So pimp dwarf is like

A'ight, you wanna hear the story?

It's pretty awesome,

obviously because I am telling it.

So let me regale you with the epic story

Of THE CHAMPION

Gee... I wonder who my character is...

>.>      <.<

So then I get to pick out my character

AWESOME

They make RPGs this way for people like me

I totally wear dresses in Oblivion because they're *~pretty~*

And take 2 hours making my character

But they have preset characters, so like.. an hour this time.

Anyways, I go with the red head

Because duh thats just awesome. 

And it was the only one that didn't make go

wtf?

So then we get this:

Strike a pose biotches

And I'm going...

WHAAAAAT?!

That is not the character I picked!

What the heck Bioware?!

So I'm having a little hurrumphing flip out while playing through this battle

With a ton of these guys:

Wow you fuglier than the last game...
Nice pale touch though
Oh you like it? Latest make-up fad

That's right, kneel before my awesome trash kicking skills.

So in mine, since I went Rogue (heh) I get to duke it out with Sis Bethany

So there we are, partying it up with the Darkspawns

When who crashes the party?

O HAI YOU GUYS! Am I late for cupcakes?

Why you always gotta be comin in uninvited Ogre?

Seriously, you think you would have learned after DA:O

But apparently not..

No party crashers allowed under threat of LOTS OF GORE!

So you kill Mr. Party Crasher

When MOAR DARKSPAWN show up

And you like OH MAN

Do not have enough cupcakes for everyone

And it's looking like a super bad situation 

And then all of the sudden:

BAM! Wassup MOFO's

There's a Dragon.

Good thing we're getting the Dragon in Dragon Age upfront at the beginning this time...

So anyways, this Dragon is like

Save you all from your lack of party prep!

And then you hear a record screeching stop in the background...

LIAAAR!

And we're back to Crazy Pants and Pimp Dwarf

And Crazy Pants is all:

Nuh uh! That is so not how it happened!

And Pimp Dwarf is like:

Is too!

And then Crazy Pants calls him out:

Bethany's boobs were not that big!

Busted Buster

Okay.. Maybe I made it up a little...

So then we cut, once again to darkspawn running around after you..

This time with my character

Does this armor make me look faaaaat?

Isn't she awesome. 

*cough*

But wait..

Bioware, does this mean you made me run around

Fight darkspawn

And an Ogre

FOR NO REASON?

And I have to do it ALL OVER AGAIN?!

>.>

Haaate.

So your fleeing Lothering (O HAI!) with your fam-jam.

When you totally bump into this role-exchanged couple

I wear the pants in this relationship
I know

So it's you, your fam, and this weird templar couple

Trying to peace out of Lothering

With totes all due haste

Hacking and slashing your way through

Which brings me to Problem With This Game #1:

Isometric Viewing

Why did you do this Bioware?

Are you trying to make me nauseous

I can either view top down like this:

Killing Darkspawn in a single bound

Which changes like a Moody Canadian April,

Every time it comes into contact with something

That could reposition it

Like a mountain, or air...

So I'm stuck with this view

And it's kinda limiting/nauseating

Or I zoom in and get this:

Striking a pose again?

I might as well be wearing horse blinders...

Seriously, cannot see anything.

But don't worry, at the beginning of the game it was really the best

Halfway through you can never see the horizon line

Just the first 5 steps in front of you

I had to take Advil just to not get a headache from playing.

Ugh...

SO ANYWAYS

You're tromping up to your knees in Darkspawn sludge

With your mom whining every five seconds about OMG

DARKSPAWN

We know mom...

What are you wearing??

In Bioware land, even old ladies have giant, supple... shoulders.

So then you run onto this *~eerily~* deja vu-like plateau

CUPCAAAAAKES!

I knew we forgot something!!

And the Darkspawn are like

HAI! Miss us? 

And you're like.. gettin' old guys...

And of course your brothers is like

MUST PROTECT THE WUMINS!

So he charges in head first

Carver.. I sense this is a bad life decision..

And gets a head full of this:

Puny human have Cupcakes?

Which results shortly in this:

Where is this blood even coming from?!

Which brings me to Problems With This Game #2:

NPC AI

As I was playing this game, finacee was watching. 

When Big Bro Carver goes running out into the battle field

He promptly exclaims WHYYY?

That's a good question,

Besides the rail roading

Why does Carver run out nilly whilly to get his butt kicked? 

Probably the same reason why I had to redo all of my NPCs tactics 

Just so they would drink a freaking health potion and take care of themselves

Or why your Mom weeps over her sons body

And does nothing more than that for the rest of the game!

Or why hubby to epic warrior woman wimps out and dies

Because he tried to fight while already injured and swallowed Darkspawn blood

Or why they all seem to follow me around like puppies

Until there's a wall

Then they magnetize to it and get stuck there

In short, NPC AI is permanently set to IDIOT

And it always will be

Anyways, moving right along...

So MOAR DARKSPAWN

Because there's never enough

And your mom is weeping over your brother

and hubby to epic warrior woman is laying there twitching

And you'r like DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING MYSELF

Luckily Sister and Warrior Chick are kinda awesome

Which, by the way, I liked the fact

That a bunch of girls were running the show

*~empowering~*

So then you're outnumbered

And it's like.. wait.. wait.. I've seen this before...

'Sup?

Yup, remember this.

So Dragon dude flies around and roasts some Darkspawn to well-done.

Or at least medium rare.

And then BAM! Transforms!

Ooh. Ahh. 

And I literally jumped in my chair:

I like the hair!
Oh really? You're too sweet, takes two cans of hairspray and some demon magic applique

That's a good question Dragon Lady

Who are you?

And then she's like 'Sup I'm Flemeth, no big

And I'm like OMG WTF?! so awesome...

So Flemeth (who I apparently didn't kill in the first game after all) 

is like, Yo ya'll are going the wrong way if you wanna escape.

And you're like Where the heck else are we supposed to go?

And she makes an allusion to The Warden

And I'm like *squee!*

And then she gets all philosophical

And is like: Is it fate or is it chance?

I'm going to guess probably because 

There was a heavy forecast for Darkspawn

And our butts were getting kicked.

So then she's all like:

Ya okay so I can fly ya'll outta here

If you give this pendant to some random Dalish leader

Out by Kirkwall

Where you're headed

Coinkidink?

Btw warrior chicks hubby totes has the taint

So then you kill hubby and fly off on the back of a dragon leaving your brothers dead body behind

I say the wins balanced out the losses. 

Seriously, that hair. And outfit. Reveal much Flemeth?

So I'm stopping there

Because this post is becoming obscenely long

Like, as obscene as Flemeth's outfit

Red spandex? Really Bioware?

So I'll pick it up when we land in Kirkwall

Because trust me, I am coming up on my 

BIGGEST PROBLEM WITH THIS GAME

Until next time

xoxo