In case no one has ever noticed before, my blog here sometimes tend to be my psychiatrist. I've discovered splaying wordy rants across a page and launching them into the blogosphere to float amidst the other blog junk is, oddly, helpful. I'm sure you've read my ranting posts about numerous topics, none of which make too much sense nor have too much cohesion.
And today once again I find myself flopping down on my proverbial psychiatrists proverbial leather sofa. This time with a lot of things racing around my mind. So I hope you readers on the other side of the screen don't mind, but I'm going to divulge a bit.
Shall we?
I've discovered over the past while that being married really does turn your world upside down.
And then inside out, possibly puts your through the rinse and ringer cycle, spins you three times, puts a blind fold on you and then gives you a stick to try to hit your next target. Whether thats managing to get a full night sleep, get up for work, make dinner or figure out what it is that married people do with their spare time.
The last one is really putting a work over on my husband who is so used to, honestly, being alone. He's a bit of a "to himself" person, well, except when I'm around. He doesn't mind spending time with me. But for us to be constantly together, we tend to run out of things to do. Which ends in us resorting to him playing a game/reading a book and me mulling about cleaning and finding random things to daydream about.
My problem though is this:
I feel like I am currently hanging upside down by my ankles, slowly rotating probably, musing to myself:
"What am I going to do with my life?"
I hate my job, I'm just going to say that now. There's no denying it anymore. I feel little self worth or appreciation for what I do. Being a receptionist is not my cup of tea. To me it simply does not feel fulfilling and it feels like I am not completing anything worthwhile. I suppose it is hard to explain, and there are many factors in my office specifically that contribute to it. Either way, I do not love this thing I sit about and do for 8 hours everyday.
Which has my brain in turmoil lately, what do I do with myself?
I am still going to school. However, lately even my degree (Anthropology) has been on the chopping block in my mind. I think, what am I going to do with that? How am I going to take care of my family? I, personally, want to be a stay at home mom. As much as I want to travel the world discovering things, such as, Ivan the Terrible's Lost Library; I want to be a stay-at-home mom a little more.
So then I think, well I do love writing. Why don't I try to write out my stories?
Problem is, the first thing they teach you in Creative Writing: "Get a day job."
Awesome, and with Owen still trying to finish his degree. Our finances can't exactly afford me taking a gallivant through my day dreaming worlds.
I do love gardening, I would love to do landscaping and be a professional gardener. Yet, I hit a brick wall with apparently not having a Horticultural degree? (What? Where do you even get that?)
So what about finishing my English degree? That's 4 more years of finishing and getting an Ed degree because really, all you can do with an English degree is teach (unless I can make a living off blogging! Hah). Not that I wouldn't mind the schooling, but right now I feel...restless.
So my mind flipped through so many things I have always wanted to do, that just feel a little out of reach. Now I just can't think about what I want, I have to think what is good for myself and my husband. Things get a little more daunting when you have another person to take care of.
So then, what do I do? What do I do with myself that makes me feel like I am actually doing something worthwhile. That contributes to myself and others.
1st answer: I don't know. Whatever. I give up. I'll just do this thing because it pays the bills.
2nd answer: Wait. Why don't I become an EMR?
It's an idea. Just a small one that my mind thought of today. Perhaps with a bit of inspiration. I have my First Aide Level C and CPR/AED training. I've always wanted to help people, and my Dad is an EMR too. I've gone on ride alongs and always enjoyed it. Right now I'm just wondering if I can handle things that would be seen as a first responder.
Although, it would be worth it, I think. At least it seems like it would be something both ambitious and worthwhile.
I suppose we shall see what happens, won't we.
xoxo
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