DA II Review Part II

Alright you guys,
So when we left off
Big Bro Carver got himself squished
And Warrior Chick was forced to kill her hubby
Because he took a chug of some darkspawn blood.
And then we rode away on Dragon Flemeth

Pretty much.. Awesomeville.


So then
Blinged out Dwarf Man
Gives this voice over to some creepy cutscene
Like, I mean I felt like I was watching
Some bad version of a po-mo horror movie
With a lot of red and black

Owen calls it Art Deco
I call it a bunch of guys who want to hear this story as much as I do.

So anyways,

Then we see me and my fam-jam

+ or - 1

Floating on this piddly dingy of a boat

I mean how did they sail across the sea/ocean

In that dinky little thing

It's like a bad rip off of a Viking Warrior ship

But whatever

So you sail on up to this lovely sight

I feel like maybe this isn't the most...
hospitable place

At this point,

I personally

Would be going

TURN THIS MOFO AROUND!

DOUBLE TIME!

But no, you sail on into Gloomsville

Popultaion: A lot of douchebages

Because as soon as you land

You notice, like, every other person from Fereldan

Has decided to come to Kirkwall, 

apparently it's the hip place to be.

But they're all just standing around like sheep

Bleating to get in

And of course the guards are like

WTF?! WHERE DID YOU ALL COME FROM!

And all the Fereldans are like

Weellll the Darkspawn are kinda invading our lands

or something

they killed our king

and there's like, only one dude trying to save us

seems like a gong show

it's kinda a downer 

what with our houses being burnt to the ground 

Sooo.. Can we come bunk with you guys?

And of course the Kirkwalliens are like
EFF NO!

Does this look like a Bed & Breakfast?

Because like I said
This is Gloomville
With a major economy in Douchbaggery
Just you wait and see

So the fam-jam is like
Ahhhh craaaaap
Looks like we're screwed
Like everyone else

But oh wait,
Mom is like
HEY! I'm going to come out of my sobbing
For like the only 2 seconds in the game
And talk about something other than Dead Son Carver
Don't you guys remember why we came here?
I've got McRich Moneybags brother here

Mom seriously, the whining,
 and that outfit,
 starting to get ooolllddd

So you're like 

WELP guess we should obscurely run around

Until we find a guard dude

But what is this? 

No fighting for more than 3 minutes?

NOT SO RANDOM ENCOUNTER
With a bunch of needless IDIOTS

Bioware can't let that happen! 

Unless your freaking running

From one end of the map to the other

But even then thats sketchy

So then you're like 

HEY GUARD

I know you already 

Probably have the worst migraine 

From so many people bugging you all day

But we got a rich uncle, 

So be a dear and fetch him will you?

And the guards like

I dunno who you talkin' 'bout

I only know some scumbag with that name

That should be your hint 

That all is SCREWED

Or about to get interesting

I dunno

So anyways, 

lets me lovely Uncle Gamlen

Shall we?

All he needs is a pedo mustache
And he creeper ensemble is set!

His poor taste in clothing

Should have been the first tip

That all was *~not well~*

So he's like

Oh.. hey..Awkward...

And scanty mom is like

Gamlen! So good to see you!

You can get us in right?

Back to the big cushy house

I left all those years ago?

For an apostate mage

(Just a random aside there)

And he kinda shuffles his feet

And reeks of booze

And you're like...

Great.. 

WTF?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE'S NO MONEY!?

So then he's like

Welp, I can get you in

But you have to commit 

To a life of crime

For like...*cough* 

A year

So then mom spazes

And my character is like

Whatevs, it's just a year

She's so *~chill~*

So you get to pick, 

Wanna be a smuggler?

Or a mercenary?

Ahoy hoy mateys,

Pass the eye patch

We being smugglers ^_^

So this brings us

To Problems With This Game #3:

So I pick smugglers

Do one quest for them

To "prove my worth"

I'm willing to do wench quests
You got the job

So then I'm like

Okay.. so we'll play through a little

Might skip around a bit to pass a year

But what happens?

 *~VOICEOVER~*

I'm just a windmill, doin' what windmills do
*random insert*

BIOWARE SKIPS IT ALL!!

WHAT?!

Nothing

Just Pimp Dwarf

TELLING YOU what you did

And even then it's like

Welp, 

you hung out with the smugglers

doin' what smugglers do

And then it's a year later

Yup

Btw, you live in Kirkwall now

With your creeper Uncle

Micheal Scott is unimpressed with your shenanigans 

So we skipped that whole year

I did, like one quest

And it's like

CONGRATS!

You get an Achievement! 

For just picking on of these! 

So what you mean to say is

Bioware, 

You did not feel like writing

Extra plot

So you slapped this in

To give us..

What appeasement?

It's like

Yup, you did that

NEXT!

It feels very disjointed,

And assembly line like

Also,

I feel robbed...

So now we've skipped to a year later.
Oh yays.
But I will save that for a later day
For now,
I'm going to eat a cupcake
Because I'm feeling like an Ogre over this...

xoxo

p.s. Please enjoy this gif, which made me LOL and feel better.

Barrack Obama. Opening a can of whoop @$$